even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My pussy is not your playground.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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