remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's always time for handjobs
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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