How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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