i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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