i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
