I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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