I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
