mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
