I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
