I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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