Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
