You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
