Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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