before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
