Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
