Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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