how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
