I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
