I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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