people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
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Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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