WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
