we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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