so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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