Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
