Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
