i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
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I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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