i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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