"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question