i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
