Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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