you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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