My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
