Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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