i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
