I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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