Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
