nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
