I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
