i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
