I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
