He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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