its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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