one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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