We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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