We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
