Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
