I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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