Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
