I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
