i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
