I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dignity is for republicans.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
