So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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