Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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