she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
