Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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