Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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