I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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