he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
