I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
