Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
