dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
