Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
