When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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