How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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