I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
