Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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